Here is a cat eating vegan cheese.



Here is my fucken delicious chocolate tarte.



Here are some Christmas flowers.

Today was one of those days, got up late, the bus seat came away when I sat on it, the pricing gum fell apart at work, the volunteer company I want to go to South America with were not on Skype. As soon as this episode of Merlin is over, I am going to bed. Hopefully I'll wake up early with a spring in my tail, ready for my day tomorrow. I. am. so. tired. Mid-Week Mash Up, then bed.

xx

I foolishly resized this to 450x299 in photoshop, thus making it look appalling quality here on-line. It's actually very colourful. I still have the original, but it is three ay-em. Might do it in the morning, after Spanish and before work.

I read The Four Hour Work Week by Tim Feriss, who also has a blog, all in one go last night and then wrote pages in my notebook about how I am going to start my two websites and make a living from them and get paid to bum around on Thai beaches, so long as I write about how hard it is being vegan every now and then. OH YES. I mean, hard or easy in relative countries. IT'S STILL EASY, PEOPLE!

Okay, so I had a vegetarian faux-Christmas this weekend because my step-mum kicked me out of the kitchen and Sainsburys does not do vegan fake roasts, so I had a linda mccartney thing that had egg in. Stand up and call me a hypocrite. I made a chocolate tarte for desert for me, which various of my family ate and declared 'very nice', y'know, right after they went on about how all I must eat is potatoes. SWEET POTATOES. SWEET, POTATOES. Daymn, I love potatoes. I had roast potatoes for the first time in ages, my step-mum did me a separate roasting dish from the ones she did in duck fat too. Aside from not letting me try cooking a nut roast for the very first time while she co-ordinated a turkey, several roasting pans and numerous boiling veg plus drinks, desert, place settings, welcoming people, she was pretty accomodating about the whole vegan thing. I have two WIKKID SWEET portraits of family too, one of my grandpa and one of my dad. I have others, but only two that are AWESOME. I am blown away by my own skill, talent and uh, sheer luck, really. I also discovered the whole aperture setting thing. lifesaver. Why did I not know where that was on my camera before...?

Did I already write about feeding our cat vegan cheese and chatting to my brother about life the universe and everything? I hope the cat's okay.

OH. Borders is closing down, and they had a sale and I bought a bunch of magazines - which were not on sale - and found Dodgem Logic which is written/edited by Alan Moore. I was all, oh, like the comic guy! Then I read this article and IT IS THE COMIC GUY. I am so uneducated about the Northhampton origins of people. Who else is from Northhampton? AMAZING magazine though, GET IT NOW. HMV and Forbidden Planet stock it as well as Borders, which is CLOSING DOWN. I bought two philosophy books as well as a couple of Christmas presents - audio books FTW - Ranciére on Hatred of Democracy and someone random about Bad Thoughts and hypocrisy. I've been thinking a lot about hypocrisy lately. There's a quote from the four hour work week by someone not Time Ferriss (I could get it, but it's all across the room and it's half three in the morning and I was on two coaches for six hours between them today, haahaa, lazy) 'A hypocrite is a man who - oh, but who hasn't?' which is true.

I expend a lot of energy trying not to be hypocritical, but that sort of means you spend a lot of energy picking up on other's actions, then realising you've done that yourself, then rationalising why it was okay when you did it. OR making a conscious effort to not act in that way again. I opt for the latter, but it's generally best to drop the part where you criticise others. OR make DAMN sure you've NEVER done what you're about to say is a negative behaviour. OR have a solution. Hypocrisy is an interesting topic for sure.

Well, I meant this post to be about Dodgem Logic but it has gotten away from me. Yes, I wanted to interview the creator for my blog thinking, it is the first issue, they will be pleased to get some coverage, and now the Alan Moore is ALAN FUCKING MOORE. I'm still going to email him for an interview though. I think he'll do it. Man lives in Northhampton after all, he's not got a lot else to do. Right? Check out the 'zine if you can, anyhow, it is wonderful and I will hopefully be covering it in weeks to come over here.

This week I will be PAYING CASH MONEY for a domain and hosting and fucking around with design and setting up Throwaway Literature as an actual venture with real researched and executed in a semi-professional manner articles. Aaand, in a couple of months I will make Travelling Vegan into a real website too.

Seriously, don't read The Four Hour Work Week unless you want to quit your job and change your life. I don't need to quite my jobs, since one is temporary and one is six hours a week (LOL), so hopefully by the time I am jaunting around Spain next February (And Paris with my housemate Kate!) I will be making meagre turnover from AdSense vegan ads. Haahaa, maybe. I have a business plan. We shall see how it pans out. Now, I have my laughable library job in eight hours, so I should probably sleep for to get in a half hour of Spanish before hand.

xx

There's an Ice Bear Sculpture going up in Trafalgar Square from the 11th til the 20th of december! I'm going to go and pat it. It's to represent, y'know, global warming and the lonely polar bar floating on his piece of glacier. Sad panda. Er, polar bear.

Am currently at home in Bristol, spent the night chatting with my Grandma about the WORLD, her memoirs, the war, our family, her friends, what I'm doing with my life. Talking to old people is good. To know how much they've been through, the war, sister's death, husband's death, job, job change, trips to New Zealand at 70, very inspiring. I love my Grandma.

Chatter to my brother for a couple of hours as well. We are the same, me and him. Well, we had the same parents so our attitude to family is very similar, and from that comes our ability to communicate with the outside world and understand human relations. Basically, we don't. I think I've learnt from growing up in a more or less loveless environment though, but that's only come about in the last year or so. before that, I was just sad. So, I am, for once, communicating with my brother rather than just beating him up, and maybe helping him, helping each other? We will see.

Being home is good. I watched Wolverine and Prince Caspian (OKAY, Prince Caspian is hot. I know, I'm behind the times but mmm.. yes.) and now music television. Yes, when I'm at home I am a whore to the teevee. I love me some Kerrang, MTV 2, Scuzz. Otherwise, my exposure to new music I might actually listen to is limited to Zane Lowe and Huw Stevens on Radio 1 and Lounge on the Farm which is ONCE A YEAR. Sometimes I download/buy recommendations from Amelia's Magazine, but not so much lately. RECOMMEND ME MUSIC, PLEASE.

Tomorrow I'm going to take part in some more christmas shopping, oh yes I forwent the old 'make cookies' and turned to 'buy books'. C'mon, 33% discount? C'mon, books? With their crisp pages and interesting topics and beautiful covers and and and oh, i bought Ed a box of runes as well. And a hat, for Holly. So, I am writing an eco/anarchist guide to Christmas presents and I have not necessarily gone that way myself, except I think BOOKS are an awesome present because they will be loved forever and enrich the readers life. Also Holly had better wear her hat to death. I hate giving gifts which I think wont be appreciated. I would rather not buy anything, as I proved by not getting my dad anything for his 50th. I've got him 'You're Only Young Twice' by Quentin Blake now though, which is a picture book about growing old disgracefully. YES. He will laugh. I am also getting my cousins albums, Alessi's Ark and Elena Goulding, because these guys are fringe musicians who deserve to be heard/bought/supported. Oh yeah, and they make awesome music. These views will be reflected in my blog post.

Am considering getting twitter, all the better to self-promote, my dear. Thoughts/opinions/warnings/admonitions? I used to say that Twits were on Twitter, but now I am not so sure. I would hopefully not just tweet things such as PHWOAR PRINCE CASPIAN and I just fed a cat vegan cheese and it liked it...is that interesting? I had a hard enough time starting my blog and wondering if anyone cared what I wrote (not something I worry about here, ramble rant ramble) but if I tweeted, I would want it to be worth reading. Daymn. 140 characters? Can i condense my thoughts and stories so? DOES ANYONE CARE?

There are so many voices in the world, on the internet. Mine has a total right to be heard as much as anyone else's, provided it's interesting, relevant, well-written, informative, inspirational and not just self-aggrandising whining. Comme sa. Maybe maybe, but anything I wanted to tweet about I would probably blog about anyway. Maybe I will get one when I set up my new domain. Ooooh, getting a website for my birthday! It is going to be all kinds of awesome, OR ELSE. I am excited for my future...

xx

This is pretty much a post just so I can put this photo somewhere, because...I think it is awesome? I have been trying to use my camera more lately, play with aperture and all that, work on composition, colour, subject, frame...all that jazz. I have maybe seven cameras and I use them hardly at all. I feel self-conscious about taking photos, especially because everyone notices a DSLR. And then hides their faces. It's very hard to get good portraits of people when they hide their faces. Or go 'Oooh, no!'. Goddamn, just be my model. Who cares how they look in photos anyway? I look appalling in pictures - scrunched up red face - but I really don't care. That's not what my face looks like when it's MOVING, which is to say, IN REAL LIFE. And how you live and laugh in real life is more important than how you look in a photomagraph.

I am still, constantly, thinking about why I am here, what I am doing, why I make myself so stressed and whether I am happy or not. Went DANCING last night to d&b and dubstep, stayed up 'til 4 listening to Thom and Freya talk, slept all tiny on the couch then got up at 8 to walk home and was ready for work earlier than I would have been had I slept in my own bed. Doing both jobs today, then going to a meeting about Capitalism tonight and how it's raping the world and such. YAY. I want to meet like-minded people, but I am hoping they will not be Socialist extremists, because that is fairly anti my like mind. Busy day, huh.

So, I get along better when I don't plan. My main focuses are jobs, novel, blog, Spanish, reading and as long as I get each thing done every couple of days I am FINE with THAT. For the next couple of weeks I am working pretty much every day though, and I plan to update my blog pretty much every day, so really I'm alternating Spanish and novel writing every other day, and reading whenever I get a minute.

Going back to Bristol this weekend for early Christmas with my Dad - haven't bought anyone any presents yet, although I have ideas. Might make a pile at Waterstones later, yay, books. I get to read on the coach, and y'know, see all of my family and such. He's off to New Zealand on my birthday for Christmas, so it's Christmas this weekend. That will be odd.



Here is a song about getting your swagger back. It's empowering.

I forgot that December means I can open my advent calendar, so I have a pocket full of dark chocolate hearts. I also forgot that Christmas is about Jesus, so when my advent calendar went on about 'It all starting in the little village of Nazareth' I was like 'huh?' For a couple of years I used to read The Christmas Mystery by Jostein Gaarder (who wrote Sophie's World) for advent - it's about a kid who buys a magical advent calendar and ends up going back in time, but like everything Gaarder, it's ay-mayzing. Well worth picking up, or giving to a niece or nephew for pre-christmas. Better than chocolate! Well, sort of. A nice accompaniment to advent chocolate...



FUCK, it's winter now. Cold. I have taken to soy hot chocolates. Yes! Unfortunately I only have six vegan Oreos left, and I am saving them for my Cupcake Extravaganza of a birthday party, wherein I am going to make as many cupcakes from Vegan Cupcakes take Over the World as possible. Oh yeah, I'm still vegan, it's still EASY (if inconvenient), and I still live on stew, soup and chocolate cookies. Also! I have been mad tired lately with the wanting to hibernate, but I ate properly a couple of days in a row and then DANCED ALL NIGHT, got up at 8 and am facing a FULL day at work with not a shred of foreboding. I feel tired and sore but awake, ALIVE. I am thinking this is from eating all good good food. And dark chocolate hearts.

Back to Google Reader. Anyone have any interesting websites/links to share? I don't traverse the internet widely enough.

xx

So my blog got linked to from some other blog here. Woo! This was ages ago though, I just don't check my stats or peruse my GoogleReader everyday.

I am stopping worrying about how much I DO DO because I have been winding myself up for no real reason. I've been madly afraid that without any aim I will let my afternoons drift away in the malaise and look back over this year with a WHAT WAS I DOING thought, but that WHAT WAS I DOING will be hanging out with awesome friends, going on awesome adventures and doing whatever I feel like, whenever I feel like. I have more freedom this year that I've been making out, trying to tie myself down to actions, events, learnings...I want to read and learn and read some more, but I'm not racing against any clock, so I need to CHILL THE FUCK OUT, YEAH.

Went to Thom's and made scrambled tofu for his unhealthy eating housemates and then COOKIES, yus. PLayed Soul Caliber, went to the quiz, listened to a Native American spoken word poet as well as the Play for Change album. It was chilllled and nice and good.

I have things I want to do, I just need to remember that I WANT, not NEED, to do them. And I'm pretty fucking lucky in that.

This afternoon I'm gonna hang out with Ed, EAT A SANDWICH, buy a stack of beautiful magazines, and get my lounge on. Might watch Rome with a pile of crumpets and copious amounts of hot ribena. I've been going on about hibernating this winter and not realising that I CAN ACTUALLY DO THAT. Get ur duvets out, it's time to nap.

xx

I'm finding it really fucking hard to get out of bed in the mornings.

I read a lot of productivity, self-help, positivity blogs. A whole bunch of their 'improve yourself' hints and tips and tricks I read and think 'is this news to people?' I'm not being down on the websites, I'm just shocked that people don't know these things. If something doesn't make you happy, DO SOMETHING THAT DOES. It's not rocket science, it's logical, rational thinking. Oh wait, just like rocket science. I think I have a lot of ideas that are different to other people, and then I freak out and wonder if that's really true, and then I read one of these blog posts that people have commented on all 'you changed my LIFE MAN' and it's like, huh, I already think that way. SO. This is more of me freaking how about how me and my ideas are percieved by others, I suppose. I'm going to write some ramble about anarchy later on this week and give more unsolicited advice and information about things what I know and have done so as I can talk about them. Yep.

In the meantime, here's some pictures of a graveyard in Stoke Newington.



I fucked around with the hue and saturation a bit, pushing the colours and picking out the red more. Yay, autumn!

xx

Mmm, fire. I start most of my sentences in my head with 'mmm' lately. Like, I am not quite sure of what I'm going to say, or like I know it will offend someone.



I have been productive today. Worked at Waterstones this morning - I love it. Had to make sure the correct books were stickered and facing forwards. Then came home and HAD A NAP. Dude, I'm nearly 23, alright. Edited photos, watched Pokémon, made grilled cheese and tomato french bread pizza (NUM), wrote my words for NaNo (I am roughly 5,000 words behind...hoping to make that up tonight a bit), updated my blog, did some Spanish and now it's now. That is a full day for me.



We watched Breakfast at Tiffany's last night and then I made this. The film is a lot more full of life than the book, though I think maybe I prefer Paris when it Sizzles which is just more surreal. I love the writer aspect though, and Paris!

I've been planning my trip to Spain next February and plotting my course through South America and hugging my globe. (It's inflatable.) I am LOOKING FORWARD TO GOING AWAY. In the meantime, I'm going to London on Thursday for LIVEstock and seeing Ciaran and Em and my little brother (all at different times), then Brighton on Saturday to meet vegans and see James. Then I am going home to Bristol for December the 6th which is when my Dad is doing Christmas since he's going to be in New Zealand otherwise.

OH. I finished reading The Science of Happiness and realised that maybe only having two friends in my town is detrimental to my happiness? I am anti-social, but I do like people, so I have been making an effort to befriend folk. It is a slow process and also, I get the impression I am a little bit scary when I MAKE an EFFORT. Still, went to a party where I thought the only person I knew was the guy who invited me, and it turned out he knows two girls I work with, plus a few other people I know, so I had a great time. And I met my mate Jack on the way and dragged him along to play wingman while I attempted to get in the host's pants. Mission failed but he is a good wingman. He should hire out his wingman skills. When I say 'people I know', I still don't mean friends. I wouldn't text any of these people solo to go to the pub. That is my AIM. I don't even have Jack's number, because he's my housemate's ex and although we all get along she is funny about that sort of thing. As would I be. Still, so. I am seeing some favourite people this week aaand uuuuhhh, there is lots to look forward to. I am going to befriend some people so hard.



xx

I interviewed this girl a couple of years ago for The Live Local. Now she has an album out next year, is touring with Little Boots and Florence and the Machine and has been on Jools Holland! What is going on! She is amazing and I'm going to try and see her with FLorence and the Machine on the 22nd no such luck. The next available gig of hers is first of December with Sound of Arrows and Wolfgang. Damn. Shame. Still! I am going to see her. And hopefully interview her. SHE IS AMAZING. Her voice is amazing. She's a pretty cool person, for all I've met her twice. I used to date a (close) friend of someone she used to date! In fact, I hit on him before his mate hit on me. Oooh. When she's properly famous I will DINE OUT on that anecdote. That and the fact I liked her before she was famous. Like, not even, when she only had her debut single out before she was famous, like, when she won Kent Uni's battle of the bands before she was famous. I really hope she becomes famous now, just for the second hand glory I can glean...

It is odd though, having interviewed her and chatted to her and now she might be becoming famous and I know that she CAN sing, CAN play the guitar, DOES write her own songs (fucking awesome lyrics she writes too) and IS authentic. There must be people who feel this way about Katy Perry? Anyway, wow. I hope her album does awesomely and she gets all sorts of musical recognition.

Oh fuck, the cargo gig is sold out too. GEEZ.

xx

Okay, so that's not fire, that's GLO POI.

Here's some fire -



My talented friends with FIRE. I like fire.

Spinning again tomorrow night for the town's fireworks do - though I'm not sure if there'll be any actual fireworks. SHAME. Hopefully there will be a fire though. Oh, and toffee apples are vegan! Score.

xx

WHO ELSE IS DOING NaNo?!

xx

I got me a job at Waterstones, so I did. UM, DISCOUNT BOOKS, YES. Gotta call them tomorrow for my hours, then go to my other job, then take photos for my other other job, then go to a quiz. Oh, but it's a hard life, I know.

I've decided to do NaNoWriMo this year. I've done it twice and won it once. I'm not starting from scratch though, I'm going to try and get my dissertation finished...I say finished. A REAL novel is 100's of 1000's of words long. Did you know? And as of yet, mine is 13,500. Pretty awesome actually, considering not a lot happens. Tonight I meant to do me some research and read Women and Marriage in Victorian Fiction but have ended up watching Sweeney Todd; which is practically the same thing. Have bought Ribena and crumpets in prep for the 1667 words a day. Let's do this thing!

I really want to go on an adventure again. Hopefully I can wangle a visit to Barcelona, but probably not until January, because of all the job thing. AHH! Except for a couple of day trips to London, I wont be doing any proper travel until January. Okay, well, I'll save some money then. Damn. Oh, and maybe another visit to Brighton. Fuck London and Brighton, they're the only places I go anymore. And Bristol. That's like the triumvirate of the coolest towns in the South. Yeah, I hate my life.

xx

Okay, I can't get to sleep, so you people have the pleasure of my company. I've been getting to be around 4 the past few nights, so naturally, I've trained myself to sleep at 4 in the ay em. I also work a whole THREE HOURS A DAY people. Epic.



I went to Brighton last weekend, to meet up with some folk from the PPK, who are generally awesome folk. We went to the George veggie pub for lunch and the Infinity Café for cake, then sat on the freezing beach to eat it. I had Oreo dipped in hot chocolate for the first time in along time - English oreos are not so vegan, but they had American oreos in Cybercandy, buy one get one free! Mmm, yes.



You can check out further photos from the event here, should you so wish. Most of the photos are from a shop called 'Snoopers' paradise' wherein unauthorised photos were not allowed. Ha.

Tuesday night, I went to a reading of my MA class and, gosh, some of the writing was...pointless. Jocelyn and Mary were really good, as I knew they would be. I love Mary's take on life, she had one poem called 'the man who shouts at trucks' which was funny. Jocelyn is writing a novel set...in the past. The characters and setting are both wonderfully realised though, concrete detail, just enough character development and intrigue...I think she's got what it takes to get published, since she also seems intent on finishing the thing. The others though...all that stands out is the several poems about tea. Descriptions of tea. Lists of tea. Nothing new said about tea. Clichés, descriptions, lists, angsty rants (i kid you not). I'm all for people writing. I think everyone should write about everything. I also think that words should say something. People definitely need to say what they mean, not what they think will get them a good mark, or sounds good or pretty. SAY WHAT YOU SEE. Say what you want the reader to see, what you FEEL about what you're writing, not what you think they want to hear. Write for YOU, not for them.

I think all great writing should either be entertaining, or evoke higher feeling. Aren't those the two things that hit the bestseller lists over and over? BOTH is a feat.

I got my dissertation results and comments in the post today, and the second marker, who has never met me, commented "It seems odd, at first, that Wells should want to pastiche Victorian fiction". That made I laff before I went to my gruelling three hour shift today.

Handed CVs in at Boho and Waterstones, so FINGERS CROSSED. I am clearly pretentious enough to work in either of those venues, and hopefully that will shine through.



If anyone wants to read an interview I did with a vegan bellydancer, they should click here. If anyone wants to read more about Brighton, they should click here.
And if anyone wants to read about abandoned bunkers being turned into eco-hostels, they should click here because the whole idea is awesome, but one of the pictures is wonderful. Also, I recently discovered, and like, this guy because he is trying to be green and educate others about the whole embargo, but he does it without seeming like a 'better than you' environmentalist. I can't seem to write about it without getting very 'WHY AREN'T YOU DOING ANYTHING?!?!' rant rant, annoyed - so I'm admiring of people who can write about it and keep their cool. Hai guys, have you considered this? rather than 'DO THIS, IT SAVES THE WORLD. DUH.' which is how I seem to come across. HO HUM.

xx

i am a lot more comfortable nowadays that i do very little day to day. i can get about one or two 'big' things done in a day. i work at least three hours for money every day, because i scored a fucking sweet job. yesterday i managed to write my cv (while i was at work. i then used the printers at work to print it, and the staplers at work to staple it. this amused me greatly) and go see Up - which is awesome! Really cute. Everyone I went with cried ALL THE WAY THROUGH. The beginning is really sweet. Be prepared for some sniffling when you go see it. Today I worked a whole six hours (gosh!), did some online banking and write a couple of articles for my blog. i meant to write up interview questions for the vegan comedian i'm interviewing, but i failed. really need to do that tomorrow though. i still haven't made my stew or crispy cakes. these are both things i'm about to do. then tomorrow morning i'm off to hand my cv in to places in town. i didn't do any Spanish today, either. GEEZ.

i could do some Spanish now, actually, while the stew stews. I just feel self-conscious about talking to myself...i can't pronounce the Spanish 'j' either, I keep making it sound like a French 'r'. Hopefully I can learn to do both, rather than replace one with the other. that would be incredibly annoying. I'm not sure why I'm worried that might happen...OKAY.

Also, if anyone cares about my thoughts on evironmentalism, I wrote an article on C.A.P about it here which covers how I think about being vegan, reducing consumption, the state of the world and how I totally think I'm better than everyone else because I don't eat dairy and you're all going to hell.

i'd really like to stop talking about being vegan now. i do it. it gets done. i think it's for a good cause. i might just make up a fact sheet to pass out to people who ask me why i'm refusing their kind offer of a glass of milk. or stickers. index cards?

i watched Hackers today. Now THERE is a quality film.

xx

Today, I have learned, that I am an angry person.

Actually, I've always been angry. First to throw my toys out of the pram, and my brother down the stairs. First to beat up the boys at school, and scream at my Mum at home. First to throw my printer down the stairs and the toaster into the pile of wood at the bottom of our garden. (That last one happened today, and also fixed the toaster. It's not all bad.)

Today I'm angry at people. All those people who don't don't don't do ANYTHING.

I feel like I'm not doing enough. Who am I kidding, of course I'm not doing enough. I want to do more. I want other people to do more.

When chatting with people about being vegan, they tend to say things like 'I could never give up bacon' or 'I could never give up cheese'.

O-ookay.

You know what? I didn't ask.

Considering that my reasons for being vegan are almost purely environmental (17% of greenhouses gases are emitted by agribusiness. Give or take.) then what they've actually just said to me is 'My need for a certain taste sensation is more important to me than the planet upon which we live, than the rainforests which provide us with oxygen, than clean air and clean water, than indigenous peoples getting to keep their land and homes...'

So, then I get angry. And rant about it on the internet, because I'm pretty aware that shouting at people to give up meat and dairy ain't gonna change nuthin. So I don't. I just continue not eating meat, and not eating dairy, and telling the people who ask why I don't. I don't ask them if they think they could give up meat or dairy. Nobody asked me to. I just did. When I discovered the above facts. For me, that was enough.

I do think that being vegan is one of the EASIEST things you can do to make a change. It's not even DOING, it's ANTI-doing. You DON'T eat meat or dairy. You don't have to lug your arse to the local homeless shelter and dole out soup, you don't have to fork out £3 a month to the WWF for a penguin (which I am totally going to do soon, man, I want a penguin). It costs NOTHING, it takes NO EFFORT. And it saves human and animals lives.

This is why it makes me angry. Here's an issue. Here's a way to take a stand on that issue which is so, hilariously, easy. Here are people not doing anything about it whatsoever.



Here is me, plotting to take over the world and turn it into a vegan utopia...

xx

ps. these pics are from The Magpie in Stokes Croft in Bristol. It's an arty squat. More are at The Casual Art of Procrastination.

So, I got back from Corsica last Saturday.



It's pretty fucking beautiful there.

I wrote some stuff about it at Travelling Vegan.

I am freaking out about my blogging thing. I used to worry about this thing absolutely shit-loads as well. (I also argue with people in my head when I walk around. Fucking tiring and pointless.) I am firmly decided not to check my stats on either website, just to write because I want to. Unfortunately, I realised that means I won't be able to find out where anyone's found my site from and that sort of thing, because that's on the same page as the numbers. Maybe...maybe I should learn to get the fuck over worrying how many people read my fucking blog? Hmm. Yeah. Maybe.

Too much anger. Let's have another pretty picture.



Since getting back from Corsica, I have been to work pretty much every day since Tuesday. (Wow.) Sometimes I only work three hours a day, like tomorrow. Well, it's a hard life, but somebody has to live it. I should really keep looking for a second job. Still.

My life is now...working, blogging, reading, baking...I still haven't started learning Spanish. Definitely going to do it tomorrow afternoon. Before my bath. Then I can decline some verbage in the tub. Yup.

I am torn between being more organised and letting the day flow around me. I really like having my lists, and they obviously help to remember what I need to do that day...but I always feel like I'm not doing enough. When I let the day flow more (still turning up for work on time though) I feel like I did all I could do and I don't stress quite as much.

All I want to do this year is whatever I need to do to go to Peru. This is a) raise the cash, b) learn the language. There is a c) get paid while i'm over there for writing about it, which involves d) writing blogs now so i get well known for the writing thing and can build up a portfolio and maybe write for other people too at the moment....And I think that is why I am freaking out so much about my blogging. I want them to be read. If people read them, that means they're worthwhile and that means that someone might pay me to write for them. Or pay me to write. If NO-ONE reads them, obviously that means they're worthless and I've spent a whole heap of time on something no-one cares about.

I'm not supposed to think like that. I'm supposed to be one of those people who doesn't care about other opinions. I think I probably think more about what other people are thinking of me, of themselves, of each other, than ANYONE ELSE I KNOW. I need to chill the fuck out over other people's opinions. Although, I rarely change what I want to do based on other people's opinions, I just obsess over what they might be. I want to write these fucking blogs so I'm going to keep on doing it...I just worry.

Time for another photo.



I'm the one in charge of how my life goes, anyhow. I want to go to Peru. I want to get paid to write. There are various babysteps I need to take towards those things. I know what they are, mostly, so...it's just taking them. Doing the work and hopefully, reaping the reward. I guess it's the school mentality coming back. I never used to work hard in school. I always got good results anyway and I worried that if I worked hard, my results wouldn't go up. Then I would have put in loads of work, and not got anything out of it.

That's very backwards thinking. How does someone even come up with that? I'm smart, so maybe if I work hard, I'll keep getting the same results! Least logical thing ever. I should probably stop waffling here now, and go make crispy cakes.

Tomorrow on The Casual Art of Procrastination, my favourite Borges quotes from Labyrinths.

Why yes, I do use livejournal to shameless self-promote both my blogs now. Better than when I was whining over Colin though, hey?

xx

I was searching for my Iceland photos on-line today, to put them in a post over at The Casual Art of Procrastination and ended up at my old livejournal which is also headed 'The Casual Art of Procrastination'! I'd completely forgotten that it wasn't 'blackedink' I've been writing in all this time.

I didn't find the Iceland photos, which is a damn shame because they are awesome. I'll have to look for them when I go home on Saturday, but I re-read some of my posts from 2004/5 and I have not changed. It's weird to read my thoughts, but on some level I was a very clued-in 18 year old. I knew that I wanted to be a writer, and I knew that 'I' was all I could be.

Between being 18 and now, I let my sense of self flounder, I let myself get upset by people, I let my self-worth be affected by how I felt people had treated me. I think perhaps I have changed in a couple of ways.

I definitely have more love and less resentment towards my parents nowadays. Oh, and my lil brother.

I am more self-analytical. Instead of rambling and spewing and vomiting about how I feel I now analyse myself, which enables me to overcome the bad stuff a bit faster.

Is speed of the essence? When it's between spending the better part of a year getting over someone (And wasting so much time, energy, effort and emotion in doing so) or the better part of a month...and still feel mentally stable, rather than brushing it under the rug, I choose the month long option please. KTHXBAI.

It's hilarious to read it back and see how I go from bitter, weeping, upset, ANGRY, SAD, to HIGH AS A FUCKING KITE ALL MY FRIENDS ARE AWESOME. Yeah, some of the posts are along the middle ground. Reading words from...nearly five years ago is fairly enlightening.

Five years ago I was in love, and now I'm in love again and it hurts just as much, but I'm coping with it a lot better. The situation is very similar in a lot of ways (um, the part where they don't love me back is a hooooge bummer) but...I'm not letting it become the MOST IMPORTANT THING in my life to the detriment of my mental health, happiness or...job. I can't stay studies anymore. I have no studies. For the first time in 19 years, I have no studies.

I could have got my Spanish on tonight, didn't. Might make cookies and have a bath.

YES.

xx

They put my work on teh internetz again.

I rock, huh?

Today at work was brilliant as well. There were a couple of 'first' day type people working, and they kept asking me for answers, which was nothing short of amusing. One of the guys in the SBS office...fluffed an enquiry which I fixed. I just like feeling superior. Who knew?

I haven't managed to get started with my Spanish. Grr, argh. I'm working 11-7 tomorrow, without a break, apparently. Should be great fun. Only three hours each Thur/Fri, so should have time then to try it.

I keep having stressful dreams again, which usually means I'm dehydrated. I hate having stressful dreams. Starting the day stressed for imaginary reasons is less fun than you might think.

Lia is back on Friday! I leave on Saturday though, so I have to get as much out of her as possible before she goes back to France for another month. Then I shan't see her 'til Hallowe'en.

Meanwhile, I need to fucking eat. I've been living off crispy cakes for days, although I did eat real meals at regular times for about two days last week. GO ME.

xx

I just finished writing a piece about Tipping Point for Amelia's Magazine and apparently I'm a pretty angry person. SHIT NEEDS TO BE DONE MAN. LET'S STOP WASTING THE EARTH'S RESOURCES. GAWD.

I'm not kidding though. Turn those lights off. Don't let those taps drip. Re-use plastic bags. Start a swap-shop. Write to your local MP about Early Day Motion 845. In the immortal words of Britney Spears, 'Why don't you do something?'

Or, DON'T do something. I went into a rant over here about not wasting resources. It began as a musing on living in the Western world yet hating Western consumerism. Same same but different.

OH. Working at the library is working out awesome. Apparently I am really bad at being inactive, and I love being busy. Who knew? Need me to configure your wireless connection? Want to know where the printers are? Having trouble buying printer credits? Need a book? COME TO ME. I WILL AID YOU IN YOUR STRUGGLE. Ha. I love my job.

Writing writing working eating working walking reading reading cooking eating writing reading writing sleeping.

So go my days lately. I guess there is more walking. And some cycling sometimes too.

I have work every day this week, then I go to Corsica on Sunday. Fuckin-A.

xx

This morning, I am mostly fucking around on Poladroid which is one of the most awesome inventions ever. And once The Impossible Project sorts themselves out, then we'll have real Polaroid film for 'cheap' again! Woop.

I had a great time at work yesterday. I pretty much did everything I was afraid of doing. I messed up almost all my enquiries, took too long with them, gave out the wrong information, had to ask for help with almost all of them and generally wasted time. This afternoon I should be quicker, since I oughta remember everything I learned yesterday. Everyone I work with is rilly cool though, and Kirsty'll be up there tomorrow as well. I have made TWO friends. And by friends, I mean people that will chat to me. As well as Nathan, but I've known him on and off for the past couple of years. I have NO IDEA if he remembers me, so we could both be playing that 'I'm not going to mention the part where I generally ignored you around campus' game.

This Poladroid thing is addictive. Last time I downloaded it, it stopped working after a while, oh noes, so now I'm polaroiding while the going's good.

Life is pretty much ticking along. I'm heading back to Bristol next Saturday, then Corsica on Sunday! Excited. I get to chill out in the sunshine avec ma famille and when I come back you can be sure there will be many a polaroid to mark the occasion. I plan to read a lot a lot of books and try to eat vegan as much as possible, then write about how vegan friendly Corsica is. Because that's pretty much what I do with my life lately. Eat vegan and write about it. I'm also currently downloading 2gigs of the grateful dead, because I don't know which album the songs I like are on. And I could do with a little musical education.

Here's a pretty picture to end with:



Also, if anyone wants to write for Throwaway Literature, any submissions are greatly appreciated. I'm letting it slide for the moment for various reasons. Themes are eco-awareness and all we can do to facilitate preventing global warming (and I go on about being vegan), travel and, uh, other interesting stuff. Comment here or email throwawayliterature at hotmail dot co dot uk. Yup.

xx