I have not been writing here because, well, I've been fucking busy.

Throwaway Literature is doing wellll and I have a zine again! Check it out.

Er, I also wrote a couple of articles for Amelia's Magazine again. Woohoo.

I spend a lot of time on twitter, and started a new personal blog at ThatFuckingHippy.info. I thought the .info thing was funny. Plus it was the cheapest domain.

I have to go to the pub now (HAVE TO!) but do what you will with this information. Hope you're all well. Ciao!

xx

I got up far too early this morning and my brain was not in place. Another symptom of the increasing disassociation I feel towards the entire world. Having a loose grip on reality enables you to comprehend and accept novel ideas faster, but it also means I forget, or just have no idea, where other people stand in line to 'reality'. Reality is a shared delusion, anyhow, but people buy into one version of it, over and over again until they believe it, and everybody around them believes it, and we're all expected to buy into that because it's weird or abnormal when we don't.

Yeah, well I think you're weird and abnormal.

Apparently I'm 'different' but I'm having trouble understanding what that even means lately. I am the same as every other tumbling weed down this highway, trying to find my way and understand the world.

I touch solid objects and accept their existence, because it's easier than not, but what are we in the world? What impact, what matter do we make? We are, we are other people; manically drawing on our canvas eyes so they can see us. Nobody wants their each and every atom to be seen, we conceal as much as we reveal, so are we ever linked, bonded, joined with anyone, truly? Do we need to be? I feel unconnected, adrift, lost among my 'friends', among my enemies, among the people with whom I am surrounded daily. They think and speak towards me and I ignore them and turn to the written word where concept is constrained by ink to find freedom in my mind, but I ignore the wind words spoken towards me unless I judge them worthy of my attention. Pre-judge them, I ignore before I have heard.

I am trying to connect with people, more now than I have ever tried to before. In the trying, I am feeling frustrated. Am I charting my course? How do you know when you are becoming more connected with people & shouldn't that happen naturally? But now I am left with close friends whose opinions and theories I do not agree with, close friends who I cannot debate with. They don't argue with me, just agree or ignore. I want engagement, I want debate; passionate, heated. I want to be inspired. I find this on the internet, in blogs mostly. OPINIONS and THOUGHTS and research and fact.



My brain feels loose inside my head. Other people seem like machines, built to respond rather than innovate. We know people through words and thoughts and action, but but but...I want to know & be known & I am not.

xx

I done made cake. We ate it dipped in apricot jam. Say 'apricot cake.' It's a delightful phrase. Sticky & fluffy.

It's four in the morning. I am considering getting the domain 'thatfuckinghippy', even though I am not the hippiest of hippys, and having a personal blog. I want to write articles for Throwaway Literature, but I want to rant too. & I want people to read those rants...

I'm going back to Bristol tomorrow. My mum is going to take me for dinner in Bath when I get there. Wagamamas! Yum! I plan to go to the docks area & the Arnolfini on Thursday/Friday too & pick up Dodgem Logic & generally moon over all the awesome books & magazines in there. If my Dad gives me some fun money I might buy the book on semiotics I saw in there before. I get to see Heather & maybe Debbie, which would be awesome, strange & cool.

Um. I have work at 9am. It's one of those nights where staying awake just makes more sense. I could research 'climate change', write the article I want to write & sort out my 'zine. Stay up until 8am, get dressed & go to work. Or, I could sleep. Instead...I'm updating my livejournal with ramble & cake. Too jazzed to sleep, not focused enough to do research. I really can't wait to go home.

xx

I can't seem to get into a rut with my life. I go to the quiz every Tuesday & Circus society every Thursday. I usually go to Chill on a Wednesday. I see the same people all the time, at the same places. My work is shift based, so I never really know when I'll be there. I have habits, but I'm not in a comfortable rut. If I was, I would probably be freaked out by that too. I don't think I want to be in a rut, but...guh. One of those days where I feel as though I have nobody and nobody has me.

It's not at all true, since I have some amazingly close friends & the joy of us is that we all have our own lives & interests & activities so we are not crazy dependent (which would freak me out) but I can't help being jealous that my best friends are all in relationships and I am having vacillating emotions towards the whole...connection/emotion thing at the moment.

Some guy I know asked me out on facebook, and he is cool, he has cool friends & I would like to befriend him & them, but I don't know him well enough to know whether I want to date him (but I already think no...) so I am fobbing him off on group events; quiz, fire shows &c. We shall see. And then there is Mike, who I have mentioned, & annoyingly, talking about the non-thing made it more real which meant that today when I didn't get as much attention as previous weeks I got grumpy & exacerbated my own problems which is...anti everything I wanted! Foooolish.

Been feeling 'flippy' since Monday, wanting somebody to curl me up in a hug and, y'know, validate me emotionally. But, somebody who isn't Dave. Haha. I guess that makes me feel better...I know that I don't crave emotional support so badly that I will hop into a relationship with anyone who evinces the slightest interest BUT am I hiding from an emotional connection & going after someone I think will reject me so that I don't have to open myself up to trusting someone...Huh. I don't want a relationship, I just want to be watching Legend of the Seeker with Mike tonight. Dammit, I had plans! Meanwhile, off to meet Kirsty at the pub. And Bex! Mmm, pig fuckers. (That's a drink, sickos.)

xx

I'm hungry. Gosh. I was going to write in my real, actual, paper journal about how I feel, but instead I wrote about what I've done & I can't be bothered to pick it up again and add an addendum. So I thought I'd air my paranoias on the internet instead, because that makes more sense.

My last entry concerned getting to be better friends with certain people? Yesterday I went to London to hang out with Em & Ed who, in their way, know me best over all people. Em because I lived with her for a year & knew her two years before that & she saw me through some difficult times, Ed because we rebounded on & off each other a couple of years ago & have remained late-night film watching & discussing LIFE close, although I don't see either of them as often as I used to. Em & I spent the afternoon together, walking around Camden discussing relationships & playing therapist & I told her about Mike & she told me about her boyfriend & she bought me a t-shirt which is AMAZING. Pictures soon, doubtlessly.

Then I went to meet Ed for his going-away-to-Nepal do & decided to get wasted because his only-just-Ex-who-hates-me was there, as well as all the friends of his who I never bothered to get along with. I didn't feel out of place, I just figured I might as well get trashed. So I did & spent twenty minutes or so telling Harry how awesome I think he is, and how well he & his girlfriend go together but reminded him about his own vine theory [That you grow, and sometimes you grown alongside another vine, but other times you grow in a different direction and perhaps you grown together again later] {Any of you know Those Dancing Days? They have a song that goes "you are the best guy I could ever ask for with you I'll experiance sides of life that will never leave me it's just we've come to a time where our ways go apart maybe to meet up again probably not..." exactly as I was typing about Harry's vine theory. Funny} and basically, being drunk & loving.

I moved on to Ed, after chatting in French & Spanish with someone I know from Canterbury who studies in London & was randomly in the pub! & a girl who's name I forget, but who has been to Peru & was telling me about how AMAZING it all is. Ugughguh. So I hugged Ed a lot & told him how good I felt when he said I was one of his best friends & he laughed at me because I was drunk & I hugged him some more.

THEN we met Ciaran in the queue for Whirly Gig & I kissed him inappropriately (on the neck, I think) & told him how attractive he is. (This is my ex-boyfriend, with whom things ended quite...incommunicatively. But he is HOT. And actually really lovely. We just weren't good together. At the end.)

Today I got back to Canterbury & went to Mike's & felt like bleh, sort of still drunk, verging into hangover. I always forget about the hangover because I a)don't drink & b) don't usually get one. We hung out & watched teevee (Jason and the Argonauts! Old skool awesome.) & then walked into town together. When we started walking, I started feeling quite ill & left him & Jack quite abruptly in the street & I have been paranoid all day. Not huge mad paranoid, but Ed was supposed to come down today & he never got in touch so I wondered if maybe I had offended someone last night, or just acted too oddly, & then I worried that I had acted oddly with Mike & I worried that I should not try & get in touch with them because I always, always end up feeling like a burden on the people that I like.

I realised a life 'rule' the other day; that if you want to be filled with love, then you first have to pour it out. So, if you want to see more love in the world, then you must be more loving first (before other people show you love, because then you're in the same stalemate). Just, love. And so I was letting myself say the things I felt, about how awesome I think they are & how they've inspired or helped me, & how I hope they'll have a great time/life (this is mostly Harry & Ed) and naturally, that is the first time that I have consciously decided to let myself be free with my emotions (yeah, I was drunk, but I'm usually self-editing when I'm drunk too), so because I am not used to being, um, happy & other people certainly aren't used to me being sociable or comfortable with them (I think Harry was a little taken aback, although it takes a LOT to take Harry aback) mmm, & I'm not used to being comfortable around these people because usually I'm a nervous wreck wondering if I should force myself to make more of an effort...

Anyway. I phoned Ed and he is only just on his way down so I will see him tomorrow. I text Mike about going to the cinema tomorrow & I feel like his reply was a little odd, but then I was a little odd earlier & he does not actually know me that well & I have kind of done my intense thing & thrown myself at him (in a platonic way) & I think we have seen each other every day since I got back from Spain bar three? Which is more than I see my housemates. Or anyone, in fact. Except my own self. Soo-oo-oo, this was the first time, today, that I was grumpy or odd with him

OH MY GOD. MY FUCKING POINT IS: I want to be happy being alone, but I am still scrabbling for attention & worrying when people do not get back to me (which is fine) but I was with Ciaran & thinking 'It's all very well ME thinking I'm wonderful & becoming more myself than conforming to other's ideals but why doesn't anybody want to fuck me?' which is like...well, not...what I want! That's not the point at all. The point of becoming happy with me isn't to get more tail, it's, well, to be happy, and to be happy whether I'm getting laid or not, or whether I'm poor or not &c &c. To be happy. So I have been pouring out love (pure, honest love too) but today I backpedaled and wondered when I get it back (through the medium of sex, which is not love, but which my brain equates thus & I don't want to get into that particular right now) but the point is not that I do get it back, just that I am putting more love in the world. So that more people are loved, or know that they are loved.

This is what I need to write down & tease out; the whys and wherefores of my desire for company & validation even when I think I know how to not need these things, I trick myself into thinking that I am not wanting validation just company because oh, I feel ill or whatever. No, I just want a boy to think I'm pretty so that I can feel good about myself. Still working on that one, then.

xx



This is like a perfect desktop image. Feel free to take it. Take any of my photos in fact. I have a thing about 'theft'. For a start, with photos, you can't prove you took them. I can. With writing, you can only steal for so long & then someone might expect you to come up with something original. When you can't deliver, egg on your face. Basically, stealing other peoples' art is one of the most idiotic things you can try & pass off as your own, because it's pretty obvious when it ain't & what hollow praise you receive when it's nothing to do with your talent or skill. So steal away.

Look'it, dreads!



& how enormous & delicious my hair used to be. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I might actually try and brush a few out. I'm not sure. Oh gawd, I can always get my hair back in a couple of years. It will be interesting to have dreads & I think I will like them more when I look less like sideshow bob. Haaa, yeah, I'm in the fluffy stage. Lots of palm rolling for me. It HAS made me appreciate how awesome my old dreads are, they are proper matted together now whereas the new ones are like silly puppies, all fluffy & going everywhere. The old dreads are more staid. Anthropomorphising my hair? Why, yes. It is my closest friend.

In other news; I am being single (again! Just looked back through my old tattoo posts & I am ALWAYS BEING SINGLE & then I never do) AND I WENT AND PLAYED POOL WITH A BOY & I LIKE HIS FACE & HE IS INCREDIBLY NORMAL & WE GET ALONG & MAKE EACH OTHER LAUGH AND STUFF.

I have taken to writing in Caps Locks, you might have noticed.

I decided that I would be a calmer person, & this week I've definitely gotten closer with a couple of people, the pool person above included & also Jack who juggles;


Not necessarily, grown closer this week, just realised that actually I can hang out and chat with them because I've known them a long time and it's OKAY TO LIKE PEOPLE. And they like me. Which is, y'know, weird. I usually make excuses for people who like me. In the case of Mike (the pool playing person), he is nice & lovely to everybody. But...how nice? & when he has 14,000 words to write & three exams to revise for, why he is playing pool with me? Because he was hungry & we got chips? Oh, wait, probably, yeah. & the nice thing.

Jack, Juggling Jack, is just awesome & asked me if I'd considered doggy style when I got my heart tattoo. I can only have sex with internal organ fetishists now. Grim. Or GCSE students?! "Got a biology exam? I can help you revise for that, kid."

It's Friday right? Well, Saturday. That means, I've had a really good week. Gosh. What's that about? I've hung out with awesome people, got a WIKKID SWEET tattoo, hung out with awesome people again, today (being Friday) I went to work, saw Mike, did some writing & tomorrow it's back to London & I'm going to see Em, Ciaran, Ed & Bex, which is like, my favouritest people.

I wrote a poem today & typed up a short story which I want to enter into Bristol Story Prize (£7 entry, £150 prize?!) & this next week I am going to get both websites set up & my 'zine ready to go by a week on Sunday. I also have a job interview at a daycare centre on Tuesday! Funny, because I defined paedophilia versus child rapist with Mike today. Yes, yes, I know exactly how to turn guys on. That, plus, 'Wanna come wipe the pus off my back?' Seriously, this is the HARDEST tattoo to care for! He did it though. What does that mean? Far too nice a person. Geez.

I am still awake because...I wrote & that makes my brain wake up. Also, I found my Best Of Grateful Dead & I checked out an old livejournal post & I remembered who I was only a few months ago, & a few years ago I would stay up writing & a few years before that I would stay up reading & lately if I stay up then I am with people, talking or watching a film so that has been a progression for me, although now I would like to strike a balance between reading, writing & being with people. Aside from food, that is pretty much what I do with my life. Read, write, see friends, travel (to see friends!), eat, talk about food because it is an easy way to change the world, take photos, er, walk, poo.

I'm going to sleep now. Thanks for listening?

xx

I JUST GOT THIS DONE. I CAN'T LEAN BACK NOW.



Hoooow coooool. All my other tattoos look like shit now. Click through for the full set. Unfortunately there are no photos of me WHIMPERING IN PAIN. Four hours? FOUR HOURS?! That is the longest I have ever been in pain, in THE MOST PAIN, in my life. & I paid for the privilege. Woohoo. Yeah, I was whimpering. Not one of my proudest moments. But loook, it's sooo prettttyyyy.

That's all for now. x

Perhaps, instead of looking at everything I want to do & then getting high & doing nothing, I should do a little bit of each thing.

At the moment on my to-do list is:

Update CV (find second job)
Write for Throwaway Literature 'zine.
Collate pieces & illustrations for 'zine. Make look pretty. Release.
Figure out CSS & make my websites look pretty.
Write articles for websites.
Get other people to write for websites.
Get people to read websites...
Apply for au-pair work in & around Barcelona.
Learn Spanish more.
Edit photos.
Make cupcakes.
Go to London.
Get a tattoo.
Enter the Bristol Story Prize.

& instead of sitting here this afternoon and writing my little socks off I am...on livejournal, trying to watch Legend of the Seeker on MegaVideo, arranging to make cupcakes...At one point I was just curled up on my bed listening to Laura Marling with no inclination to do anything else. Which is a testament to both her talent & my laziness.

At the moment I'm waiting on a text from Mike to go over and make cupcakes. The past few days I have smoked, on my own alone or with others (Jamie & Mike don't smoke) & generally under-achieved.

& then, what is under-achieving? I feel like I have two lives. A 'real life' life, where I go to work & save up money for Peru & apply for more jobs & phone the Council about tax & phone my Dad on his birthday & make cupcakes

& the 'other life' life where I write 'zines & websites & tweet & flick through Flickr & draw & paint yes, mostly internet related things but things that people I know physically, IRL, won't see & don't necessarily know about. I'm pretty sure no-one I know in real life reads this, for instance. Mmm, like a hidden life? Although, my friends read my 'zines & some read my blog. My MUM has checked out my blog, on occasion, apparently. & still I feel as though it's a seperate world.

All the 'real life' life things are the day to day moving forward aspects, I think. So long as I get to Peru in September, everything will be fine. For that I need to accumulate money, hence job, hence house, hence, uh, cupcake making...It feels like as long as I do the money thing, I will get to Peru & nothing else really matters, except being happy.

The 'other' life things ONLY AFFECT ME. Which is a strange way of thinking, because getting to Peru is all for me & writing is about sharing information, inspiration, introspection with others. I suppose if I never make a go of the website thing, I feel as though I still have 'real life' life to fall back on. I am following two threads & currently, one feels more real than the other.

I would love for both to be equal, but I keep putting off my 'other life' stuff, like the writing & the art...because I want them to affect other people. I have no control over who might read my words or see my art or how they will be affected by either & therefore, how they will think about me...& so I am always putting it off for whatever reasons. If it is just for me though, why do I continue to worry about other people's reactions?

& in conclusion! I should probably do things instead of getting high first.

I procrastinate like a biatch, but usually manage to achieve my goals before the deadlines. These, however, are self-imposed deadlines (except for the story competitions) & how well will I do with that? I usually run & hide from 'shoulds', like I hide from responsibility, but these are my own 'shoulds', ie. they are 'wants'. I want to write, I want to produce a 'zine, I want to run these two websites & I want to make cupcakes. I want to get high too.

So I think I will write another article & then go & make cupcakes.

xx

Sometimes I really think I'm an arsehole. The past few days I've been mostly acting and reacting with little thought about how I am responding to people, although afterwards I'll go over and over it. Okay, not over & over. Just enough to think, 'Was that really shitty of me?'

& it's all to do with girls & boys...mostly.

At the moment I am t-r-y-ing to listen to others because I don't. I don't listen when other people give me advice, or try to inform me about topics I think I know about. I get very affronted. I do like to read and hear about how people think of their own lives, and their what-I-did stories, because I am interested in how and why people behave. It's just...when it comes to comments about me, or toward me, or for me? Shut down.

This is pretty shitty behaviour. I usually only realise I'm doing it afterwards.

But sometimes, what if you're not interested in what a person has to say? Should you fake interest out of politeness? If you do like that person, & enjoy their company, you just don't care about what their saying at that moment...Fake it, fake it, steer conversation away from boring topic...Okay.

Anyhow, there was a girl at Thom's last night & she annoyed me. FOR A START because she was getting off with the boy I'd thought was alright looking (even though I'm all going-to-stay-single this year...) and then because she just seems like one of those girls who...complains in order to be funny. "Oh, you hit me onna nose!" Pout. Which is all fun & games until...I made a snap judgement on her & figured she was like that, with the jokes masking an inherent negativity towards life, a need for others to valid her hurt feelings & so on...& then proceeded to ignore and deride this girl (in my head, but I have stupid-face which does have a tendency to display my actual real feelings at all times).

There are a lot of people I ignore & deride (which doesn't make it better...) but I didn't even chat to this girl to find out what she was really like. I decided that I didn't & wouldn't like her, and then ignored her. & yet, the main way I was interacting with everyone else was via the medium of juggling, and she didn't want to join in that one (& in fact, looked quite put out at all the juggling. STRIKE THREE.) so I have my excuses.

My other excuses are that I'm not necessarily the best at socialising, and I tend to find it more difficult to get along with girls from the off than guys. I find girls more stand-off-ish, or am I more standoffish around girls?

Well, since I have begun my quest/mission to actually 'make' friends, ¬ out of playdoh, I suppose all these questions and more will eventually be answered...when I stop acting like an arsehole & randomly ignoring people because I have already decided they are 'not my sort of person'. ie. someone who enjoys juggling. Although, I ignore jugglers too! I ignore shit loads of people...

Okay, if you reached the end of Why Am I So Bad With People? you win a prize! Sort of. There are waaaay more Paris photos at my Flickr now. Madrid, Cordoba, Barcelona to come. But this week I am mostly focusing on getting well again, Throwaway Literature, & my websites. As well as making cupcakes tomorrow & actually going to my paid job. So, not so much with the photo-editing.

I have such a chilled out life at the moment. It's nice.

xx

I have returned! After 26 long hours on a coach, in the snow. I missed my eurostar, but the awesome train people let me get one the next day for FREE. Got home and instead of SLEEPING and,like, EATING, I went to see Alice in Wonderland, which was rubbish, and then went dancing to dirty dirty drum and bass, which was AMAZING and then stayed up until five chatting with Thom & some of his American friends about meditation and whether Eastern cultures are more able to think of nothing than Western because they have lived longer more in touch with nature? That's pretty generalised, but it was a two in the ay-em, stoned, hypothesis. Maybe worth looking into though.

So I'm currently at work, although I finish in ten minutes. My nose is STREAMING & I am going to walk to town for vegan cheese & go to Sainsburys for dark chocolate & hobnobs and make pizza and melt chocolate and upgrade Flickr and edit photos and maybe write but definitely read and listen to good music and SLEEP. Oh, gosh. I feel quite unwell.

Being back in England is great though, my peeps have missed me & I have been bemoaning the lack of awesome people in my life & then Thom goes and finds some. I am making a conscious effort to be amiable and consider other people's opinions and extend coversations & LO AND BEHOLD it has already paid off.

All I want to do today is have someone set me up an IV of orange juice and paint the narrative from Fool's Errand onto the inside of my eyelids. That, that and the chocolate hobnobs.

xx